.

Have I told you lately that I loved you?

2006-05-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

I do care, really. But the thing is, my laptop is in the intensive care unit. Actually its just lying broken on the floor, Natalie Imbruglia (sp?!) stizz. The point is, it should be. The screen is screwed, probably because I dropped it. Anyways...I wanted to make this hiatis official until I get neurogically advanced enough to update with my brain and/or get my computer fixed.

Also, I'm too busy for the internet cause I've been working on being Shakira. Seriously;
These hips don't lie and my face don't either.

Warning: Explicit Content

2006-04-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

In a previous post, I mentioned a pal of mine, JohnScott. The following is a voicemail I received from him on February 5, 2005 at 6:o4am:

Currline, Ima tell you a thang right now, and ya gonna think I'm tryin to shit your ass. There's only a few people in my jump down turn around pick a bale o cotton inclusive bunch of shit turds. And you are my new youngest, favorite member. I love ya. And ol Cott, Scott is your titty whore and that's beautiful, I love it, it is. I'm not talkin bout how I love you sexually, I luv ya cause yur one of us. When shit comes to shit, people like me, you, Kevin, Casey, fuck twit, turd shit, clitrod, old man Dong shit, we gone fuck somebody for shittin us. And I'm---- I'm sorry was about to say something, but I ain't gonna say it. I'm glad that you are pdh'ing; if you want to know what that acronym means, ask me tomorrow. (For the record, he didn't know what the hell I was talking about the next day.) And I'm glad that I know you, and I'm glad I know Scott.
I'm glad that me and Casey...You know what? I don't mean to shit Casey, but I'm gone give myself some credit. I'm glad that we called some people tonight that needed hellshitfuck raised against them. Caroline, we called some people tonight that are going to burn in hell. It was my idea, and I think they should fuck themselves. They tried to act like I was the one who caused the trouble and I's like "I didn't wanna fuck nobody, fuck ya." Caroline, I like you and I think you're kinda young. And Scott, Casey, Big Dave, I think we could teach you a few things. I think that given the accurate trainee program, if we put you through management training process, I think we could make you one of us, BUT. NOT. WITHOUT.TRAINING.!
C-line, it takes alot of effort to be a pussydick, and I don't think that you're the pussydick that we all want you to be. But, I'ma call you tomorrow and try to hire you for pussydickin. Ima call Scott and tell him if he don't like this phone call, he can fuck himself. Then again..
I'm squeezing my legs together back and forth like I'm trying to pleasure my own dick, but it ain't workin.
And Imol call them damn bitches in the mornin, and ask em I'm the one that started that shit I'ma end. If you don't like it,....
You know Quinn the Eskimo? You know who he is?
Well he fucked me.

Isn't he magical? Imagine this in a drunkenly slurred southern accent. Then, add in frequent pauses during which I assume he passed out. The whole thing reminds me of Patton Oswalt's Dr. Pepper bit. I transcribed this voicemail last year when it was raining hard; so I sat in my car and wrote it all down. Many of you had the honor of hearing this message, and a few even got to meet JohnScott. Shh! He is legend. If I had some champagne, I would pour some out for this cat cause I haven't talked to him in ages. He is working for the railroad.

And he used to call me Poonaline and/or Caropoon.

One more thing...

2006-03-23T15:16:00.000-08:00

Since I saved "The Lost Pictures" post as a draft weeks ago, you may not have noticed that there is a !!NEW POST!! under the one about vampires/black power. Please scroll down and look at it.

Have a lovely SPRING BREAK!

Vampires with no remorse.

2006-03-16T15:02:00.000-08:00

BETTER OR VERSE
By DAVID ANDREATTA Education Reporter

March 13, 2006 -- YOUNGSTER'S BLACK-POWER POEM RILES SCHOOL

A 7-year-old prodigy unleashed a firestorm when she recited a poem she wrote comparing Christopher Columbus and Charles Darwin to "pirates" and "vampires" who robbed blacks of their identities and human rights.

Hundreds of parents of Peekskill middle- and high-school students received a recorded phone message last week apologizing for little Autum Ashante's poem, titled "White Nationalism Put U in Bondage."

"Black lands taken from your hands, by vampires with no remorse," the aspiring actress and poet wrote. "They took the gold, the wisdom and all the storytellers. They took the black women, with the black man weak. Made to watch as they changed the paradigm of our village.

"Yeah white nationalism is what put you in bondage. Pirates and vampires like Columbus, Morgan and Darwin."

Autum was invited to speak at the Westchester schools on Feb. 28 by Melvin Bolden, a music teacher at the middle school who advises the high school's Black Culture Club and is a member of the Peekskill City Council.

Autum, whose rsum includes several television appearances and performances at the Apollo Theater and the African Burial Ground in Manhattan, told The Post that her poem was meant to instill pride in black students and to encourage them to steer clear of violence.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with my poem. I was trying to tell them the straight-up truth," Autum said. "I'm trying to tell them not to fight because they're killing the brothers and sisters."

Autum, who is home-schooled in Mount Vernon and speaks several languages, prefaced her performance at the high school with a Black Panthers' pledge asking black youngsters to not harm one another.

It did not sit well with parents.

In a telephone interview with The Post, Bolden said Autum has been "unofficially" banned from performing in a district school again and that school officials would review transcripts of future speakers.

"It's unfortunate, because some teachers said they wanted this little girl to explain the things she said to their students, but some parents don't want her on school grounds," Bolden said.

"[The poem] might have been a little too aggressive for what the middle-school kids are ready to handle," Bolden added.

Kimberly Greene, a mother of children in the high school and middle school, said she was shocked when she got the recorded phone message.

"If there are people who are upset about what she said, the schools should have talked about and analyzed it rather than send a message to everyone saying this little girl was offensive," Greene said.

Autum's father, Batin Ashante, said he can't believe the fuss over his daughter's poem.

"She's a little girl who does poetry about real things. She doesn't do poetry about cotton candy," Ashante said. "She's a serious little person."

david.andreatta@nypost.com

The Lost Pictures

2006-03-13T23:32:00.000-08:00

"The whole dirty incident of 2/26: Uncut, Unedited,Uncropped, and totally uncensored!
2 Hot 4 TV!"---Rivers

Now cropped, cut and edited for the general public.

After the infamous comment section over at Phoenix Rivers, I knew we all were itching to see the pictures that were believed to be destroyed. Being the dedicated blogger that I am, I sweet talked the competition into giving me an exclusive scoop on said photographs. Read: I asked Rivers if I could post the pictures from the party that he didn't use, and he obliged. I was worried that this post would seem too redundant, or too I love the 90's (too much, too fast vh1.) You know...you were either there or read about it, so it's boring, right? WRONG.

Thanks to Trent's photoskillz and Rivers' permission/picture cd, you're about to witness a gooch caning, a tabletop throwdown, some puppetry...you get the picture.

Obviously, Chandler was in high demand!

As was this cane:

As you can see, Britney worked that cane like none other. I think she should carry it all the time. Where did that cane even come from? I have so many questions...

Like, what is going on in this picture?

Is BP out of gas?

No way!

I promised puppets.

Once upon a time, this post contained about 2x the text that appears now. I wrote this post in Word and when it copied over, the picture/caption alignment was completely off and everything was effed. I ended up deleting most of the captions rather than fixing the post itself. The following picture symbolizes my feelings toward blogger right now.

Scene kidz V. Hippies

2006-03-06T15:48:00.000-08:00

Spoiler: It starts out a little like this:

And it ends a bit like this:

I'm sure that 99% of the people who read this blog have heard about all of this. In case you haven't, here's the scoop: While I was getting down to Of Montreal at the Variety Playhouse, a band of local hippie kids, dubbed "The Lost Boys" got their Saturday night kicks egging cars. In particular, mine and Delia's. This pissed me off because 1) I am lazy and didn't want to clean my car off 2) These fagtrons are all about 4'10 and I could pretty much step on any one of them. So far this story is boring, but it gets much, much better. Apparently, there were a few other people that got egged and were not too happy about it, because Leston (a lost boy) got his tires slashed that night. Words were spoken and plans were made to have a brawl between The Lost boys and Ashley Anarchy or some crazed hipsters from Opelika. As you can see on the following video link, the idea of such a face off intrigued about 15 other people besides myself to observe. Thanks to my neighbor who recorded it and his friend for posting it online, Born Into Radiation presents to you:

THE FIGHT!!!!

Seriously, click it. Sure, you will feel semi-guilty. But you can't help it, can you? In case the link doesn't work, here are some shots from the fight:

vs.

And please, somebody turn my comment section into a cage fight.

E-raunch: Urine

2006-02-27T20:03:00.000-08:00

Man Hides In Bathrooms, Drinks Boys' Urine

10:04 am EST February 27, 2006

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- A Central Ohio man allegedly told police last week that he likes to drink the urine of adolescent boys.

Alan Patton, 54, is in jail after allegedly telling Gahanna, Ohio, police about his affection for urine.

Police said Patton goes to family restaurants and movie theaters and waits for boys in a bathroom stall. Investigators said he shuts off the water to the child-level urinal and puts a cup in the bottom.

"He goes back and retrieves the cup and drinks the urine," Detective Ron Fithen said.

Patton allegedly told police that he leaves the stall after the child leaves.

Fithen interviewed Patton after he was arrested while leaving a movie theater last weekend.

"Listening to him describe it, it's like listening to a crack or cocaine addict. He's addicted to children's urine," Fithen said.

According to police, Patton said he's been drinking urine for years.

"He told us he's been doing it over 40 years, since he was 7 years old," Fithen said.

Police said Patton told them it makes him sick, but that it's almost spiritual to him. He allegedly added, "I like it because it makes me closer to them -- like I'm drinking their youth."

A New Albany, Ohio, father played a role in Patton's arrest. He told someone at a movie theater that Patton was staring at his son in the bathroom. The theater employee then called police.

Officials said Patton is a registered sexual predator, who was convicted of rape 13 years ago.

Police believe Patton has been collecting and drinking urine in cities around Central Ohio, including Hilliard, Westerville, Dublin, Worthington and Gahanna.

http://www.clickondetroit.com/news/7502034/detail.html

Excuses, excuses.

2006-02-27T01:18:00.000-08:00

Reasons for my recent pause in posting:

1. I found this gem at the local thrift store for $14.99! It has a drums, including bass pedal; a psuedo-turntable that can make all kinds of noises; a mini keyboard, and different backbeats and songs to play along to. Ever since I discovered that the headset came with a microphone, I'd been dying to lug it outside and mess up the mix. This dream came true on Saturday night. I took my new 'jam station' out onto my front porch and proceeded to publicly produce some jazzy beatz 4 da street.
EDIT: Rivers did update from the weekend, it is a must see. I stole this picture of me being awesome for proof of my victory.

2. My second excuses were more expensive, but less awesome in the long run. I'm not talking about my pimp pink Razr, check out muh nails. I went to Unique Image (the purple building that is a barbershop/salon/carwash on Opelika Rd) with Delia to get my nails did. I should mention that the lovely people working at Unique Image overcharged us 20 dollars and then added in a 15 dollar tip on Delia's credit card. Regardless, the results were ghetto-fab. You may wonder how these beauties got in the way of my updating. I can answer that question with another question: Have you ever been to Payless? Actually, that question does not answer anything, but what I'm trying to say is, it's impossible to type with talons.

3. Okay so I only have 2 reasons. Whatever. In addition to jamstation and nails, I got these cute new shoes at Payless. I also got a temporary tattoo of a spitz dog on my foot. Speaking of badass kicks, check out my new red boots. THE END.

Radiation Revival!

2006-02-26T23:56:00.000-08:00

I got my hands on this tract via 'Dangerous Dan', Stefania's dad. I don't know why he had it and I didn't ask. Coming from a religious family myself, I have seen more pamphlets, videos, & spirit wolves than any girl could ask for. My house has a PRAYER ROOM for Pete's sake (Notice how I didn't speak the your name in vain, G.)!

Back to the tract. It tells a story of a man who dies and is judged by God, and then sent to hell. My favorite part is when they are looking back on his sinful life, and the worst this angel can come up with is telling dirty jokes and checking out that blonde's rack. The best part is that our doomed backslider says 'UMMM NICE!' while lusting after said temptress. No thoughts of a pearl necklace or a cherry pie and this cat still goes to hell? Man, I'm effed.

These tracts are put out by Chick Publications, a rather conservative Christian organization. By conservative, I mean that they believe that "Most forms of fantasy and presentations of magic — including Harry Potter [21], Dungeons and Dragons [22], and Halloween celebrations [23] — are portrayed as an attempt to draw children into Witchcraft, represented as a tool of Satan."

You may be thinking, "Halloween---evil???" But folks, this was a tragic reality for me growing up. I didn't go trick or treating till I was 17 years old. That equals out to be about 845598759687595587 candy calories that I missed out on. This brings me back go my religious roots.
Move over Francis of Asissy, meet my mom! Despite my complaints about Bible Quiz (7 years State Champ yall) , missed holidays and DIY communion featuring pepsi and oyster crackers at the kitchen table, this woman is an amazing mother and I think she did a perfect job raising us. She is honestly the best person I know. She even makes up motivational phrases each New Years! For example:
-God is there for me in 2003!
-Jesus is alive in 2005!
You get the idea. Anyways, it took her a little longer than usual, but she churned out a good one around mid-January. To all of you that feel lost, confused and alone, don't forget:

THERE'S NOTHING GOD CAN'T FIX IN 2006!

MJ put down twenty that says next years will involve the word 'heaven.' Any takers?

Some of my fav. Mom quotes don't involve her being cuckoo for christ, just a little naive. I was trying to explain Myspace and Facebook to her, and she seemed really baffled. She asked question after question, but the one that really got me was: "Does Flip have a myspace?" If you don't know me, that part may not be funny yet. Let me help by showing you a picture of Flip.I don't feel that I should have to explain why that is funny, so I won't.

Hopefully somebody will post about Chandler's birthday bash held at my apartment this weekend, because I don't really remember it. However, I do remember telling RiffRaff that I would commence the blogging, so hurr it iz.

For God so loved the world...

2006-01-31T22:49:00.000-08:00

Let me count the ways, in outline format.

Part I: BONNAROO. Where do I begin? I suppose you all know this already, but the initial Bonnaroo artists have been announced. Considering the staggering amount of amazing artists, I've decided this list should be renamed:
Reasons why I am still Alive
Highlights of this list include: Radiohead, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Beck, Andrew Bird, My Morning Jacket, Atmosphere, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks, Devendra Banhart Band, Ben Folds, Bela Fleck & the Flecktones, and Ben Folds. Seriously, I could not have asked for a better lineup.(Okay so I'm crossing my fingers for some Flaming Lips action.) I was going to link all of the bands, but I decided that would be pointless and take way too long. You can see the full list here.

Part II: Another newsworthy event took place last weekend, Matthew's 20th birthday bash!
(AKA The Winter of our Disco-Tent.)

WE DANCE LIKE WE HAVE ANGST IN OUR PANTS! You should do yourself a favor and check it out here.

Part III: These are some pictures from Richard's birthday party last summer, The Masquerade. There were some pretty cool costumes at this soiree, but I was the only one with a camera. I didn't take very many pictures, which means it was a lot of fun:

The (then) Birthday Boy
&
Conor and myself.

I have no idea what was going on here, but it seems there was a happy ending.

Part IV: SHOCK NATION! Last but NEVER least, My babe Stefania's rec league team is taking it to the house up in Frank Brown. They are 4-0 and have a big game coming up. Come out and represent next Monday with your purple and green on. It is like Angels in the Outfield, Air Bud, and Remember the titans all rolled into one deliciously intense ''Shock Sandwich"! Expect a recap post Monday night. If we lose, expect a massacre in the streets.

Back after these messages

2006-01-22T16:52:00.000-08:00

I am pretty sure that this post is a red flag to myself that I watch too much TV. Blahblahblah, the following are some commercials that I love to hate.

1. Axe spray. SHOW THEM THE WAY?!?!? I am by no means a feminazi, but this marketing crosses all kinds of lines. The phrasing "show them the way'' angers me, I do not need directions to find your dick, and I am not a horse being led by a hot dog on a string. There is one commercial in particular that shows a guy spraying a trail starting at his arm, down his chest, and to his crotch. Cut to scene in car where his attractive lady friend sniffs his arm and of course, follows her nose down to his genitals. Who decided this was acceptable? Ron Jeremy and Toucan Sam? Maybe it goes down like that in Panama City, but I for one don't know any females who start smiling like doughnuts over AXE.

2. Chase credit cards. This commercial shows a young couple falling in luuurve, getting married, having kids, going to Disney world, retiring, etc. Each time they age, it shows them putting in a new credit card in their wallet. What are they trying to tell me? Catalog your love by the amount of debt you're in? No thanks, Chase.

3. ARMY COMMERCIALS!!!!! Can you say guilt trip? My least favorite one shows a group of normal guys chit-chatting and then a uniformed friend walks in. The civilians proceed to ask him what he's doing in the army and he tells them that he works with computers. The part about this commercial that bothers me is in the very beginning when the normal guys are conversing, the only bit you can make out goes "...and then I couldn't find the remote..." As if people who aren't in the service just watch TV and/or talk about watching TV. I realize that my argument against this commercial is a hypocritical since I'm obviously a TV fiend, but whatevz. I like to dance too!

4. Tampex. The ones with the lady asking other ladies in the store about their feminine products. Hey fatty, I don't want to talk to you about menstruation, kay?

Am I going to get sued by Fruit Loops? Leave a comment & give me legal advice.

Cupcakes & Pals

2006-01-20T16:23:00.001-08:00

Cupcakes are more than a pastry. Cupcake is a way of life. Cupcake does not support getting effed in the A by the dong belonging to Lucifer himself. The metaphorical 'indie ass' is none other than Johnny Cupcakes, and you may be familiar with the devil's dick, Urban Outfitters. Johnny Cupcakes, aka Johnny Earle is a 22 year old who started selling his line out of the back of his car. Here's the story: In 2004 Johnny CC sent in a few design samples to the store, including this one:

Cutesy, right? He later decided not to do business with them. Fastforward to January 2006 and the outfittaz have released his same design under a different name. Check it:

So the point is, don't shop there.
MAKE CUPCAKES, NOT WAR!!!

In my last post, I forgot to mention THE OTHERS. Surprise, surprise, no LOST jive. I'm talking about los animal's de Debardelbenenenenene. Lauren got a new puppy named Elle Falcora , but we call her Ellie. Falcora is a Neverending Story reference, the white luckdragon's name was Falcor. The animals on either side of Ellie are my Wolverine boots.

I hear that cute images trigger the same hormones that give us sexual pleasure, so you guys must be in a post-coital haze right now. You're welcome.

Last but not least, my new fish friend, Rainbow Sprinkles. You probably can't tell, but he is like an iridescent (sp?) purple color.

El Arte De Debardeleben

2006-01-16T03:05:00.000-08:00

Over the holidays, I decided to do some paintings to liven up the neverending wood panels in my apartment. This is the first one I did.

I don't know if you can really tell in this picture, but her hair is made of goldfish. I am iffy about the corner, but all in all, I like it. Pretty much anything to do with mermaids, unicorns, or rainbows is fine by me.

Numero Dos is my favorite. I got the design idea from a pattern in my couch.

This next one I did in a group painting session over at the blogging boys' place. Sean, Matt, and Richard did some really badass paintings that somebody should post pictures of. I would, but as Peter says, "Silver and gold have I none, but such as I have, I give unto thee." AKA I didn't take any pictures. Not counting this one, which I took back at mi casa:

I haven't hung this one cause we all were painting on wood that was leftover from The Chiminea Era, and blocks of wood are hard to hang. My aforementioned paneling tends to buckle.

I am not the only bitch with crayons in this apartment. My roommate, Lauren has a ton of awesome drawings that she did with markers. I'm hoping she will cover her door with all of them. Here are some of my favorites.

I also wanted to mention that the background of my banner was taken from this picture I saw on www.fecalface.com, by Silvia Ji. In the words of my dear friend John Scott, "It's beautiful, I love it, it is."

HOW DID I MISS THIS?

2006-01-11T05:37:00.000-08:00

Pastor Performing Baptism Electrocuted WACO, TX-October 31, 2005 - A pastor performing a baptism was electrocuted inside his church Sunday morning after adjusting a nearby microphone while standing in water, a church employee said. The Rev. Kyle Lake, 33, was stepping into the baptistery as he reached out for the microphone, which produced an electric shock, said University Baptist Church community pastor Ben Dudley.Water in a baptistery usually reaches above the waist, said Byron Weathersbee, interim university chaplain at Baylor University. Lake was pronounced dead at Hillcrest Baptist Medical Center, nursing supervisor Pat Mahl said. The woman being baptized apparently had not stepped into the water and was not seriously injured. Pastors at University Baptist Church routinely use a microphone during baptisms, said Jamie Dudley, the wife of Ben Dudley and a business administrator at the church. "He was grabbing the microphone so everyone could hear," she said. "It's the only way you can be loud enough." About 800 people attended the morning service, which was larger than normal because it was homecoming weekend at nearby Baylor University, Dudley said. Lake had been at the church for nine years, the last seven as pastor. He had a wife, Jennifer, a 5-year-old daughter and two 3-year-old sons. At a remembrance attended by about 1,000 people Sunday night at First Baptist Church, Ben Dudley told the UBC congregation that they would move forward as a church. "I don't know how, when, why, where or what's going to happen, but we will continue as a church in the community because that is what Kyle would have wanted," he said. (Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

In an effort to avoid eternal damnation, I am not going to comment on this article. See you at the rapture yall!

My Homeland Security Color Code

2006-01-11T05:18:00.000-08:00

ORANGE means we are all out of Kool-Aid.
TEAL means somebody needs to call the plumber.
RED means I got paid today so it's peanut butter jelly time.
GREEN means I got a blog yo!

That's right kids. Thanks to some lovely woman in India at the HP Customer Support Center, I now have wireless internet. Which means you can get effed by Zeus anytime you like! I plan on updating more than Rivers, so that has got to give me some sort of advantage, right?